


Poured Me Out As Milk

by orphan_account



Series: It's Hard to Tell the Difference Between Blood and Water These Days [1]
Category: Christian Bible, Cobra Starship, Pepe the Frog - Fandom
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Afterlife, Bloodplay, Breastfeeding, Breasts, Cheese, Cobra Fetish, Cobra-Dildo, Cooking, Dinner Parties, Frog!Jesus, Gambling Problems, Gen, Genderfluid!Gabriel, Heaven, Heaven vs Hell, Mentions of Gabilliam, No Plot/Plotless, One-Sided Relationship, Past Character Death, Past Relationship(s), Poker, Possessive Lucifer, Secret Identity, Tittie Cheese, Tittie Milk, macaroni and cheese, titties
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-27
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-09 15:57:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5546273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Gabe Saporta sacrifices himself to save Mikey Way, he somehow manages to get into Heaven.  Gabe's never been a believer, but after meeting the son of God, his religious views are changed forever.</p><p>

<em> "Hast thou not poured me out as milk, and curdled me like cheese?" </em> -Job 10:10</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hey hey so remember that one chapter in "I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream, 'Cause We're Terrified" when Gabe dies 
> 
> and he just randomly comes back in "Take Me Home And Show Me The Sun"
> 
> and remember all of the stuff about Pepe the Frog?
> 
> wELL ,, this is basically what happened

_Gabe grabbed Mikey’s hand and squeezed it._

_“Mmmm, whatcha say?” Gabe began singing. “Mmm, that you only meant-“ he paused and erupted into a coughing fit._

_“Gabe-“_

_“That you only meant well? Well, of course you did. Mmm, whatcha- whatcha say?” A tear trickled down Gabe’s cheek._

_“That it’s all for the best? Because-“ Gabe fell silent, unable to finish._

_“Because it is,” Mikey sang softly._

_Gabe smiled weakly. "No viva la cobra," he whispered. "Viva la Kobra... Kid." His eyes fluttered shut. Gabe Saporta was dead._

 

Gabe sat up and gasped.  What the *potato* had just happened?  He looked around him and saw a man, idly eating a bowl of macaroni and cheese.  The man nodded at Gabe and chewed a spoonful of macaroni.

"What the *potato* is going on?" Gabe asked.

"Oh!" the man said, wiping his mouth on his sleeve.  "Yeah, about that.  You're dead.  Sorry, bro."

"For- for real?"

"Yep."

"Who the *potato* are you, then?"

"Oh, I'm Raphael.  You know.  The one from the book of Tobit.  I'm kind of famous.  Try not to freak out."

"What the *potato* is a Tobit?"

Raphael sighed exasperatedly.  "Come on, does nobody read that thing?  God *potato*, man."  He ate another spoonful of macaroni and cheese and moaned.  "Frick," he whispered, staring into the bowl.  "I love you so much."

"Huh?"

"What?"

"What-"

"Here, come on, dude, this is literally Heaven, so I should, uh, probably show you around.  Yeah?"

"Sure," Gabe said.  "I still have no idea what's going on, though."

Rapael banged his head against the door.  "God fricking *potato* it," he muttered.  "You're fricking dead, and this is the fricking afterlife.  The end.  Now, come on."

"Right," Gabe said slowly.  He stood up and followed Raphael out the door. 

Raphael didn't seem like the talking type.  He just kept eating macaroni and walking at a speed way too fast for Gabe to match- though he did try.  

Raphael finally stopped in front of another building.  He knocked on the door.  "Right," he said, "this would be where Jesus lives-"

"Jesus?  Yeah, I know about him."

"They."

"Huh?"

"Jesus prefers they/them pronouns.  Get with it, dude."

"I- sorry, man-"

"Nah, it's cool.  I'm just playing."

Gabe nodded.  This was fricking weird.  Really weird.  It was weirder than the time he'd broken into a zoo with William Beckett and used a cobra as a-

"Come in," came a loud voice.

Raphael hummed contentedly and pushed open the door.  Inside was a chair and a desk with a computer on it.  Someone was in the chair with their back turned to Gabe and Raphael, typing away furiously at the keyboard.  

"What do you want?" they asked.

"Hey, Jesus, this is Gabe Saporta, the one who with the cobra fetish," Raphael said through a mouthful of macaroni.  

"I don't have a cobra fetish-"

"Silence," said Jesus.  "God *potato* it, you made me lose."  They turned around in the chair to face Gabe and Raphael.  Gabe gasped.  Jesus was a frog.

"What did you lose?" Raphael asked.

"Fifty bucks to Luci."

"Poker again?"

Jesus sighed.  "Maybe."

"God *potato*, Jesus.  You can't play poker.  Quit trying before you lose all of our money."

Jesus threw his flippers up.  "Well, who's the son of God?  Last time I checked, it was... hmm... oh, yeah.  Me."

"Well-"

"So, anyway, this is Gabe Saporta?"

Gabe nodded.  "Yeah," he said.  "I- I- you're a frog."

"Well spotted, my friend."

"I-"

"No, I'm just kidding.  You're not my friend."

"*potato*ing excuse me?  I don't fricking care who you are; you can't go around dissing on  _me_ like that-"

"Oh, I'm just kidding.  You wanna be friends?  Fricking win a poker game for me.  Haha.  Well, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to win my fifty dollars back.  Nice meeting you, Gabe.  Sorry you had to die."

Gabe nodded as Raphael pushed him out of the door.  

"I'm out of macaroni.  We gotta go find Gabriel and Michael," he said as he started walking in another direction.

"What?"

"Yeah, they do most of the cooking.  We can get some macaroni for you, too, if you want it."

Gabe frowned.  "I can cook, too."

Raphael opened another door and started walking down a hallway.  "Well, this Gabriel's been here longer.  He knows how to fricking cook.  It's an acquired taste kind of thing, but most of us think it's pretty fire."

"I can be fire!" Gabe protested, jogging a bit to catch up with Raphael.

Suddenly, a girl jabbed Gabe in the side.  "Fight me, you little fricker," she said.  Suddenly, her eyes turned into fricking flames.  They turned back after a second.  "I'm fire."

Gabe huffed.  "I'm fire!  I'm fire and rage, I'm the fricking Cobra, fight me-"

"Fight  _me_!"

"I'll fight your mom!"

"I don't have a mom!"

"I'll fight your dad!"

"I'll fight your boyfriend!  Oh- wait, I can't!  You know why?  Because we're dead, and he's not.  Suck a *potato*, Gabey-baby."

"I-"

The girl pushed past Gabe and Raphael into the kitchen.  "Anahita, how's that pumping going?" she called.

"Come on, this is great," Raphael said.  He grinned and pulled Gabe into the room, shutting the door behind them.  It was a well-furnished kitchen.  Behind the counter was the girl from the hallway, along with a man who was stirring a larger pot of milk.  A tube ran from the pot to a breast-pump the girl wore.  She was jumping up and down and screaming, "Go, tittie-milk, go!  Be free!"

"Sit down," Raphael said to Gabe, gesturing at a stool as he went to put his empty macaroni bowl in the sink.

Gabe awkwardly sat down and stared at the three people in front of him.  "What the *potato* are you doing?" he asked.

"Macaroni," the girl from the hallway said.  "Oh- crap!  Michael!  I'm Gabriel now!  He/him!"

"Sick as frick, man!  Pass the coagulant!"

"Wait," Gabe said, "they're a guy?"

"Genderfluid," the girl with the breast-pump said.  She stopped squeezing her boobs and put some macaroni in a bowl, sliding it over to Gabe.  "Have some mac and cheese," she said.  She squeezed her boobs and hissed, "titties, make more milk!"

Gabe blinked and turned to Raphael, who'd sat down next to him.  "What the frick is she doing?"  He ate some of the macaroni and cheese.  It was quite good, actually.  Way better than Kraft.  Then again, everything was better than Kraft.

"Jesus lost all of our cows and goats in a poker game," the girl- no, the guy- Gabriel- from the hallway said.  "We have to find other ways to make cheese."  He stirred the pot of macaroni and groaned.  "Hurry up, Michael!  We need more cheese!  Also, easy on the salt, man.  If we were alive, we'd have such bad hypertension, man."

Gabe spat out the macaroni.  "So- so that cheese is-"

"Tittie milk," Gabriel said.  "Any milk works for cheese.  We had to improvise, you know?  Anahita had boobs, so we're using the breast milk.  Milk is milk."

Gabe thought about Brendon Urie and Ryan Ross.  They probably wouldn't agree.  He frowned.  "This stuff isn't toxic, right?"

"Nope.  I'm actually quite offended that you spat it out."

"Oh- sorry?  I think?"

"*potato* right, dude."

Gabe looked from Raphael to Gabriel to Anahita to Michael.  This was fricking weird.  

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.  Jesus, the frog, burst through.  "Guys!" they shouted.  "I need all the macaroni you can make!  Guess who's coming up for dinner!"

Gabe furrowed his brow.  What the frick?  

"Oh, no," Anahita whispered.  "Jesus, you didn't-"

"Luci!  He's coming!  He said- he said he wants to give me another chance!"

Anahita unclipped the breast-pump and walked over to Jesus.  "Honey," she said, "he's not into you.  He'll break your heart again, and again, and again, and he's not going to stop until you realize what he's doing."

Jesus shook their head.  "No!  No, I- I-" he sighed.  "Frick, you're probably right," he said.  "But he's still coming, so what do we do?"

"We'll put some GMOs in his dinner.  It's alright, Pepe-"

Gabe fell off his stool.  "Frick!" he shouted.  He knew Jesus looked like a familiar frog!  "You're Pepe!  You're Pepe the Frog!  Holy *potato*!"

Jesus sighed.  "Yes," he said.  "It's true.  I am the rarest Jesus of them all.  There is only one son of God, and I, Pepe the Frog, am he."


	2. i decided to add another chapter because why not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> look, it's another chapter ! wow :')

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel really lonely
> 
> dang
> 
> school starts again tomorrow, though, so i'll see Navy Bean and Queemo Knitter and Pan Dulce and Gay Kitten and Straight Kitten and Pastel Kitten and Alberto
> 
> i'm still working out the names

"I don't *potato*ing believe it!" Gabe screamed.

"Please, friend, go easy on the cursing."

"Oh, I'm sorry, dude-"

"It's quite alright, my friend. Would you like to come set the dinner table with me?"

Gabe hesitated. He could go with Pepe (the Son of God), who he hardly knew, or he could stay with Raphael and the other three angels, who were making mass quantities of cheese made from breast milk. To be honest, he wasn't too fond of frogs. "That's alright-"

Pepe leaned forward and grabbed the collar of Gabe's flannel (he wears flannels in this fic). "You don't want to stay here," they hissed. "They'll probably bring out the 'blood of christ' soon."

"Like Communion?"

"No, like biting into eachothers' necks and sucking blood for sexual pleasure. In a non-vampire way."

Gabe looked back at the angels. Raphael waved at him. 

"I'll come with you," Gabe said.

Pepe nodded. "Good choice, friend." They led Gabe down the hall and into a room. "This is the only place in Heaven where Lucifer can enter," they said. "He can get in, but he can't access other areas in Heaven. He never really comes up unless he wants- unless he wants sex- but-"

Gabe frowned. "Pepe, do you think Anahita was right?"

"I- no, I don't."

"Man, she probably was. This- this whole thing- it's on the road to becoming an abusive relationship, Pepe. You have to end it."

Pepe shook their head. "No, Lucifer is a good man. He'd never hurt me."

Gabe sighed. "Maybe," he said.

Just then, Lucifer popped into the room. "Long time, no see, Pepe."

"Lucifer! OH- oh, God- we were going to set the table- I- oh-"

Lucifer grinned. "I don't care, bro," he said. "What are we having?"

"I- uh- Gabe, what are we having?"

Gabe sighed. "We're having macaroni and breast cheese, I think," he said.

"Dang, bread would go good with that," Lucifer said as he stared wistfully into the distance.

Pepe's eyes lit up. "You're right!" they cried. "You- would you mind going down to Earth to get some soft buns?"

Josh Dun? Alright, then. "You got it, Pepe," Lucifer said. He saluted Pepe and then went back to Hell. 

"Hey, boss," said one of the demons, "you forgot to take your hearing aids with you. Did you hear everything okay?"

Lucifer shrugged. "I hope so," he said. "It'd be embarrassing if I didn't!" he added with a laugh. 

Well, it was definitely an odd request, but if Pepe wanted Lucifer to fetch Josh Dun, then Lucifer would do just that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wooo
> 
> after this, lucifer went back in time to the day mcr broke up on earth, and he started the cult, recruited dj lance rock, and got mikey way. years later, he went on to get the rest of my chemical romance, twenty one pilots, etcetera. he recruited tons of others- including brendon urie- and then crap happened. 
> 
> all to get josh dun for jesus- or should i say, pepe the frog?

**Author's Note:**

> i'd like to thank Navy Bean, Scout, and Queemo-Knitter for existing
> 
> Queemo-Knitter literally knitted me a hat and i love :')
> 
> and Scout agrees that ketchup and macaroni do nOT mix (before i went vegan, i was literally obsessed with macaroni and cheese)
> 
> and Navy Bean helped educate me on breast-milk-cheese


End file.
